Terrible mishap.....

[CarsonZi]

So....had a mishap last night.  I went golfing (for the first time this season) after work and I didn't see my wife until after I got home from the round.  When I got home I could tell that my wife was upset for some reason....she wasn't really acting angry or anything, I could just sense that something wasn't right, so I asked her what was wrong....She burst into tears.  I knew she had just started her cycle so I kinda chalked this up to that right off the bat, but I was very wrong.  She came over to me, (I was drawing at the time) tears welled in her eyes, chin quivering, and sat down next to me.  I gave her a hug 'cause it was already tearing my heart out and I didn't even know that it was something that I had done that was causing her this pain yet.  She said to me, "I read something I shouldn't have".  My heart dropped.  I instantly start thinking back to what I have written that could have hurt her so badly....there was a lot.  She said I read the "Sexual Attraction" thread you started on the AYP forum. (linked here: http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=5236 ) I know that you aren't sexually attracted to me.  My heart REALLY sank.  I tried to lessen the blow that she was feeling, and I did as well as could be done, but there has to be some damage done by this.  She said this was the first thread that she had ever read of mine, and in fact she had never even looked at the titles of any of the threads before today. (I leave the AYP active topics open on my home computer all day every day)  She said that today this particular thread title had caught her eye and that she had read it start to finish.  I haven't gone through yet to re-read this thread and see what all she read, but I feel absolutely terrible.  I need this forum as a support network and all of the topics I start are started for the reason of my needing to overcome or understand something, but I never meant to hurt my wife with what I was writing.  How do I go about rectifying such a terrible error when all the cards are on the table before I even sit down to play?  

Love,
Carson[]

[karl]

Mostly you just have to talk together, that's the way of it in a proper sustained long term relationship.

All I can tell you and that goes for both of you is that you go through lots of this stuff and worse. It's getting through these times that makes the bond even stronger.

It comes out eventually though, you can't hide things from each other, so it's better that your wife confronted you with it, she could just of buried the information away and filed it under 'hurtful things which might make me decide i am no longer loved'.

Better than talking to us about it, talk to her.

[CarsonZi]

Hi karl...

Yeah I know....We spent the entire night last night deep in conversation over this.  I literally got only an hour or two of sleep cause we talked for that long about it.  It ended with her saying that she understands why I wrote this thread, and that she understands that I love her and am attracted to her, but of course there will be emotional scarring from this.  That is inevitable I;m sure.  My question here to the forumites is how can I go about rectifying such a terribly unfortunate circumstance.  I can't outright lie to her and tell her she is the most attractive woman I have been with or whatever, and I really shouldn't even force her to talk about it anymore I don't think.  There are some things that just shouldn't be said in a relationship, and when these somethings are said in private, but overheard by the person being talked about, there is going to be extreme hurt involved.  But I also need to be able to be honest here on the forum about issues I am having, and be able to look for advice without having to censor myself incase some who it may hurt reads it.  I told my wife last night that this thread wasn't the only one that may hurt her feelings, and that if she feels the need to read a thread I have started that I would appreciate it if she would at least sit down to read it WITH me, so that I can at least explain a little bit about why I am writing what I am.  This is a hard situation because she is so sensitive as it is, and I fear that this is only going to exasperate things.

Love,
Carson[^]

[YogaIsLife]

Yes, Carson, I agree with karl. Better to talk to her than to us really. To be honest the truth is that we can't really hide anything from others indefinitely (or even for a moment). I think the spiritual truth that 'we are all connected' is not just a fancy sentence.

I agree with karl, search your heart, be honest and relax. Allow her to do the same. Only in that space you can meet and you will come out with a stronger bond on the other side. All I can do from my side is truly wish you the best. Trust.

[CarsonZi]

Hi YIL...yes I know....thank you....

Love,
Carson[^]

P.S> We cross-posted....

[Scott]

Carson,

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything like this in a public forum:

quote:I can't outright lie to her and tell her she is the most attractive woman I have been with or whatever, and I really shouldn't even force her to talk about it anymore I don't think.

I think with some rational thinking of course she can see that she isn't the hottest babe in the world.  No woman is, except perhaps the one.

But more importantly, it's not good for you to go around confirming that fact to everyone.  It's about embarrassment.  If she went around saying to everyone, even total strangers, that you weren't the most attractive guy she knew, you'd feel bad too.  But of course you should know that there are better looking guys than you out there.

There's just no need for either of you to be confirming the fact to total strangers.

So the point I'm trying to make is just to not say everything in a public forum.  When I first read your other thread, I was kind of taken aback...wondering why someone would post that private info about their wife.

Just my POV.

[CarsonZi]

Hi emc....this is basically how I am seeing this today as well....This was a learning opportunity for both of us.  A very hard one for her I assume.  I want to be upfront and honest with her about everything, but how do you go about telling her what she found out in that thread to her face?  I don't know if I could do that.  Perhaps this is why God decided to let this happen, I don't know...but maybe this is going to turn out to make things so that honesty and upfrontness are required, not something to bring out only when it won't hurt the other.  I really don't know.  This is a hard one for me.  It's hard to hurt another person even if it is in the spirit of having an honest and open relationship....know what I mean?

Love,
Carson[^]

Why did you delete your post?

[Sparkle]

Hi Carson
It struck me as very risky at the time you were writing that thread, that you would be so open in a public forum that your wife could read.
So when you then said that you leave the Active Topics open on your computer all day every day in your home, I occured to me quite strongly that maybe unconsciously you wanted her to read it.

If this is the case, what is it that you want to say - really?

[CarsonZi]

Hi Scott...perhaps you are right...

But also, for me, this forum is a lifeline.  I do not have any spiritual friends around me to talk to, my wife is not spiritual, my family is spiritual but in a completely different vein and they can not see my perspective on spiritual issues, so I am left with noone but myself to hash things out with.  Unless I post about them here.  I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall, but this has always been the type of person I am.  The only thing I talk about with others are spiritual matters...that's all that I ever really have going through my mind.  I don't think about life in any other way other then in terms of spirituality.  Most of the time in life I am completely silent.  And that is why the AYP forum has been so crucial to my developement.  There are people here that I can bounce intimate issues off of, and get advice that I wouldn't normally be giving myself.  And my internal advice is all I would be getting without this forum.  I can't really talk to my wife about issues I have with her.  They are my issues not hers, and I need to deal with them regardless of whether or not she knows about them.  I have overcome a LOT of issues that she never even knew I had (nor did she need to know) by recieving helpful advice from other forumites.  Sure there are probably things that even I wouldn't discuss with you all here on the forum, and I don't, but my wife has never expressed any interest in AYP or the forum and I never even thought that there was a possibility that she could read some of this stuff.  It's like having a diary that strangers can read and comment on....that can be really helpful.  Or it can be really hurtful if a close personal friend you have written about reads your diary.  6 of one half a dozen of the other...

Love,
Carson[^]

[CarsonZi]

Hi Sparkle.....

No, I really wasn't hoping that she would read any of what I had/have written.  I leave the Active Topics open at home because she has never been interested in reading anything on the forum and I really honestly didn't think this would happen.  I really thought that this could be like my personal diary.  This is/was the first forum I had ever joined, so perhaps my etiquite is lacking and I have yet to learn what I should and should not be posting.  Perhaps this is the lesson I am meant to learn here.  It seems as though everyone thought I should not have been posting that thread as it was too personal, so obviously my wider perspective on that was extremely lacking.  It's just that I am an honest guy, who doesn't usually pull many punches, and am pretty open about how I feel about just about everything.  I don't usually worry about offending people or care about what people think of me.  But in this case my foresight was obviously seriously lacking and I made a mistake.  I will learn from this, I just hope I haven't done any irrepairable damage.  

Love,
Carson[^]

[Balance]

If the two of you enjoy each-others company and are commited to being together then the two of you will find a way to heal. If your wife is one who looks beneath the surface of life then she will find a way to understand the situation and deal with the hurt. Who can say what will evolve from this? If you both desire to be the object of each-other's adoration then relationship and romance will find a way for that to occur. Other people in similar situations might go in any number of directions in their relationships. None of us here know the energetic and emotional intricacies of yours. Sexual attraction itself can be overated and often becomes an object of ego. And energetic coupling can be more dynamic with others, but that is not all that is important with relations. If you wish to focus on her then you may want to show her the romance that comes from the silent worship of love always in your heart. Little showings of love shared can be very healing. As is the case with all of us in any situation the way will be shown.

[CarsonZi]

Thank you Balance....that was very helpful....Much love.

Love,
Carson[^]

[Katrine]

Hi Carson

I am sorry for the pain....for both of you....

 

quote:How do I go about rectifying such a terrible error when all the cards are on the table before I even sit down to play?

What is done cannot be undone, Carson......However.....the consequences of this happening.....neither you nor she nor anyone else can foresee.  Do not listen to your own talk about this. Commune with your wife...........this is more important than ever now....that your dialogue is open......also....ask her about herself....how she feels. And when she speaks...listen without inner dialogue and commenting.....be present to her.

In order for this to take place:
First....allow all your pain over this to surface.....it will have to be processed by awareness Carson. Don't talk about the pain.....just allow it through...all the way. This way.....being present becomes bearable after a while. And presence is what will take you through this. Explain to her how the pain she feels can be allowed.........you be that room for her...where she can release it......you can explain the principle of allowing the pain....
However bad this situation looks....now that it is in fact here.....use this possibility and stay very present with her. Don't let her close up.....and lay yourself bare....don't give up trying to explain to her the workings inside you......

Inside a crisis like this.....there is always hidden a potential of expansion and growth for all involved....much like the Chinese word for "crisis" is the same as the word for "chance". Nothing - absolutely nothing - happens by coincidence. I agree with Sparkle....deep down...you who love honesty and openness.....at some level you have wanted the cards on the table. Of course not this way....not through hurting her......but sometimes life breaks one open......this incident has cut right to the bone.....stay with the nakedness of that......and also know that you will mend...one way or the other.

If you email me her name I will have both of you in Samyama.

Much love to you and your wife.

[Katrine]

Balance...we cross posted....

Thank you for your beautiful words

[Balance]

quote:Originally posted by Katrine

Balance...we cross posted....

Thank you for your beautiful words

And you yours Katrine.