Handling Frightening Experience in Meditation
Epictetus: “Man is not disturbed by events, but by the view he takes of them.”
Mark Twain: “i”m the victim of 1,000 disasters that never happened.”
Ghost Buster: “I ain’t aftraida no ghosts!”
You may have a fearful response to certain imagery, memories, thoughts, or sensations, or a fear you won’t be able to come out of trance, a fear of going crazy, a fear of having lost access to peak experience and/or God, or simply a fear of these things maybe happening. None of these fears can harm you. Just don’t stay stuck, wallowing in unease without learning some easy techniques to do some “ghost-busting.” It’s actually fun once you see what empty sheets these things are--little Caspers donning goblin masks to look though. Hah! Remain proactive in seeking out the best solutions for you. Be confident. And, above all, focus tightly on love, the strongest shield against these impressions that arise solely in the mind, and they will pass by like waves. Then get back to the good stuff!
You’ll find that these challenges almost exclusively occur in the early stages on the path, when your body and mind are still overly tense. This explains Yogani’s initial emphasis on mantra meditation and gently self-pacing. Knowing that you are in charge of the pace, and are ultimately in control (“the guru is in you.”) makes a huge difference.
I’ve used all the techniques here at one time or another, sometimes several in a row until I found what my mind was in the mood for that day. Experiment. Study the science and you’ll find that they work for even the most traumatized soldiers and victims. And, keep in mind that I experienced a very challenging 6-year Kundalini ascension in almost complete isolation from proper teachings, doing only spinal breathing for hours a day, straight to the crown! I experienced about all the potential side-effects and outcomes, becoming panic-stricken and extremely depressed a million times. Yogani understands the wild up and down cycle that can come from progressing too quickly and improperly. Thank God! But, I didn’t have him then, so I compiled this list to save my butt.
Fear of insanity: Since everything might boil down to this, I’ll start here. Distinguishing between sacred and psychotic experience deserves a separate essay, and I’ve got a lot to say. It could be summarized, however, in this way: where is the ego? If it is self-aggrandized, it is psychotic. If it is humbled and grateful, it is sacred. Most people enter a serious meditation practice (or heavy drug us) about the same time as serious mental illnesses tend to become visible--late teens through the 30s. This is due to final maturation of the brain (frontal lobes come fully “on-line), chemical changes of puberty, increased social demands (college, jobs, romance, loss of close parental nurturing), erratic sleep patterns, etc. Many people think or feel themselves right off the road! Although meditation helps quiet the mind, the tires may already be spinning too fast to easily catch, ‘tho Yogani has the best guidance. In fact, yoga makes for powerful therapy, and it’s to “crazy” people I make my strongest pitch, knowing from personal experience that this is the best way to channel all those wayward energies towards a supremely positive end.
Remember that these are common and temporary experiences: Most meditative traditions speak of an initial period of considerable imagery, et., so you’re not alone--it’s a good sign! Despite the occasional scary image, I enjoyed this period, for the universe came to me (it comes in a deeper way now.) For a long time, vivid, surprising imagery leapt up every time I closed my eyes, sometimes even breaking into actual vision-like transparent overlays. It seemed to follow an ultradian rhythm, the same that causes cream cycles and the switching of nostrils and hemisphere dominance.
Paradoxical Intent: That is, facing your fears directly, lovingly, welcomingly, for they are in you, a part of you, and when you nurture that inner child, the boogyman evaporates from under the bed. This is a very powerful technique, used in many Western therapies. It is a major emphasis in Tibetan Buddhism, and is also in many stories of how Buddha handled the demon Mara. Great a demon (your own primitive fears!) as a long-lost friend, in a sincere and heartfelt way, and that is what he’ll become. Assume the best and that is what will happen, because you’re ultimately the director on that inner stage. Melting love--that’s the key. Trust it and it will always work.
Affect labeling: When something unpleasant occurs, just consciously label it for what it is (e.g. “emotion,” “thinking”) and continue. It works by shifting activity from emotion to cognitive centers in the brain temporarily, providing distance and breaking the cascade of unpleasantness. What you can name reduces its power over you. Consider it the “Rumplestiltskin Effect,” where the magic word breaks the evil spell. This technique is broadly used in PTSD therapy. Over time, it wears down the visceral sharpness of traumatic memories because of the way memory works. Remembering something is not like opening a book, reading a paragraph, and then leaving the paragraph the same when you close the book. No, the memory gets laid down again, along with your current emotional and physiological state, which, if you’re meditation, is calmer than during the original precipitating event. The goal is to reach a point where you can experience the memory without eliciting the visceral response. This way, the trauma isn’t being continually reinforced, and healing can begin.
First fear/Second fear: Recognizing the following biochemical response in you will help you overcome sudden-onset fear. Let’s say a scary image pops up. Your body’s instant response is to release a shot of adrenaline into your bloodstream. You have no control over that reaction--first fear--although it continually lessens as you progress on the path. You do, however, have control over how you subsequently react to the residual adrenaline left in you--second fear. You could continue to be tricked by fear, creating more, but you willing to be a slave to a mere chemical, and wimper at its feet? Hell no, for you now know it to be an unsubstantial illusion. Become its master, learning to recognize when it’s present. Then, turn you back on it, “float and let time pass,” until it dissipates sufficiently for you to get back to the fun stuff. Or, you can be more proactive, breathing so low in your tummy you feel your lower back ribs float out. (The lower lung lobes are rich with parasympathetic nerve fibers.) Or, you can take advantage of the fact that the very same adrenaline that causes fear can also create enjoyable excitement--it’s just a matter of context and interpretation. In fact, isn’t the awe we feel for a wrathful visaged deity a combination of these emotions? So, let’s co-opt and jiu jitsu it for our own purposes. Focus on Kali, for example, and breath Her up your spine! My experience of Kundalini is indeed intense after I’ve encountered some frightening experience in here. So, just shift over to some spinal breathing and reinterpret/recast that inner demon as the actor you want--you are charge of the play! Be confident! Once you see that you have the power within you to re-establish control, you can go on to other things. “The guru is in you” indeed.
Non-attachment: Whatever you believe about the nature of reality and illusion, this principle has tremendous psychological power. It’s application toward the “bad” in life is self evident, but towards the “good” is perhaps more nuanced. It was a skill I had to learn, however, to reach, hold, and live with the most intense Kundalini experiences. Of course, Yogani has changed the paradigm by teaching a safe approach that builds pure bliss consciousness simultaneously to handle the fireworks.
Consider that this is just a random dream image thrown up by your subconscious. Up to a point, the deeper your meditation, the slower your brain waves, which can reach down into the theta range present while dreaming. So, have no fear--these are simply waking dreams, mere chimeras. Incidentally, as your powers of concentration build, brain waves speed up into the gamma range of ecstasy. This is why the incidence of imagery drops away, except for perhaps an initial burst while your brain ramps up. The tighter the focus, the higher the frequency, the more intense the ecstasy.
Random aphorisms:
Sleep on it and come back tomorrow. Things always look different the next day.
Remember that the strength in a muscle (or your mind) depends on the confidence with which you use it. This applies in all areas of practice.
Rear has no more power than what you give it. Be its master.
The ego is what fears, not you. Discard it.
Don’t give all your power to your emotions.
The sensations you feel are sacred energy awakening in you. Rejoice!
Your perceptions are only perceptions.
Get up and do something you enjoy, especially giving of yourself to others.
Switch over to some other practice: pranayama (low in abdomen), asanas, etc.
Choose to focus on love, God, or other chosen ishta. You can choose!
Change negative to positive internal dialogue.
Judge nothing as good or bad.
You cannot become trapped in trance. You may choose to stay, but just let someone shout “Fire!” and you will pop out.
Images usually appear early in a session. Relax and keep sinking.
Remember: everything is just a wave on your consciousness; just let it pass--no shrink-wrapping yourself around it, no contracting, no withering, no pulling your pucker string, no, no, no! For, you are the universe, infinitely open and spacious, and all for you is YES!
