I'm scared

[SiMPLiFY]

I need someone to talk to.  Please help me!

[AumNaturel]

Hi Simplify What is it that's making you feel scared?

[SiMPLiFY]

I started meditating again about a week ago.  I know I can't go 20 minutes with a 5 minute rest from previous experience.  So I am doing 10 minutes with a 5 minute rest.  I started having a really bad headache.  It was more like a skull ache with double vision.  My doctor is a D.O. and he did a manipulation on Friday (O.M.).  I supplemented that with asanas for neck, shoulders and face.  He said that I was really tight and wants to see me again on Monday so I thought I'd try and loosen things up over the weekend.

After I did the asanas the pain in my head eased but the skin behind my ear started oozing with puss.  I apparently was in a car accident when I was 17 years old and have absolutely no memory of this.  My doctor said that the headache was caused by tightness in the muscles near the right clavicle that I apparently broke during said accident.  The puss is oozing out of the ear that was sewn up after the accident.  Is this odd?  I got really scared and started bawling.  My husband cannot stand a crying woman so he left the house.  I was alone and afraid.  I called my therapist at home!  Bless her heart.  She is encouraging me to meditate because I have a panic/anxiety disorder.  She told me that the crying is a good thing.  So now I am so confused.  Is crying good as my therapist is saying or bad enough to drive my spouse out of the house to get away from it?  It was that uncontrollable bawling with hyperventilation and everything.  I tried to cover my face with a pillow so he couldn't hear me but apparently that wasn't enough.

I would like to know if my therapist is correct.  She says the crying is cleansing and I need to do it if it's what comes up in meditation.  Eventually it's going to come up anyway.  It's all a part of the cleansing process.

On the other hand, my spouse cannot stand it and refuses to offer any comfort or compassion.  He becomes quite angry and leaves the house.

Now I'm confused about what to do.

I ended up taking my anxiety medicine because my therapist told me to.  I did cry myself to sleep.  The back of my ear still hurts this morning and puss is still coming out of it where the scars are.  My headache is gone.  I'm going to do my asanas for neck, shoulders and face again today because this is where I hold tension.  

My husband is at home so I wonder if I should wait until he goes back to work to meditate again in case I start bawling uncontrollably again?  I do feel tears right behind my eyes but am really trying to keep it together for one more day.

Can anyone guide me?  I would love for him to hold me and just let me cry like a mother would comfort a crying infant.  But I'm an adult so maybe I am just being immature.

[Etherfish]

No that is perfectly normal for an adult to want to be held, and it is manipulative for your husband to leave when you cry.
Your therapist is correct that the crying is good. and yes, I would wait for your husband to leave since he treats you poorly when you cry. Looks like you will have to go through this alone, but that's OK, a lot of us have.
You are right to cut back on the meditation, and you may need to cut back more; you will know what to do.

[AumNaturel]

Myself, I wouldn't know if crying helps or not, I just know from past experience it is energy draining in my case. I imagine most well-established therapists have a lot of experience to draw from, and if she encourages both meditation and crying it should be safe advice. You can also discover for yourself how it affects you, as overwhelming and out of control as it may be at least when it happens. Perhaps you can also ask her for clarification on your relationship situation if you haven't yet. That's about as much as I can really say.

[SiMPLiFY]

I was brought up in a "no crying" household so it does feel uncomfortable for me to cry.  As a kid if one of us cried a parent "gave us something to cry about".  A spanking.  I am relieved to hear that it's okay for an adult to cry and to want to be held and comforted.  I long for that.  

Is it normal for my body to be acting up in the areas of old injuries which I have no memory of?  The headache, the tightness where I broke a bone, the puss from where the scars on my ear are which did release some glass slivers and still hurts?  Is this part of the purification process or does it seem unrelated?  

Also, holding back the tears made my headache return.  I guess I need to put crying dates on my calendar and have some sad movies in queue for when it's safe for me to do that.

[Etherfish]

Yes it's normal for your body to act up from old injuries. When a person can't put their attention on an emotion, it is often physically stored in the body in the form of a tight muscle to "remind us" to do it later.
Then later either through meditation or physical means the emotion comes back. Old injuries can often have emotion stored that's why they don't go away.

The strange part is, you often don't remember the original cause of the emotion, and actually it is better not to.  
You will notice the stored emotions trying to come out, because you will over-react to a situation. If you have crying stored in your body, something that is just a little sad might seem very sad. Sometimes for no reason at all it just comes out. All of this is normal, and for some of us it goes on for a LONG time.

[SiMPLiFY]

Thanks for your input.  It's reassuring to read that it's "normal".  

I read about being over-sensitive in the "Advanced Yoga Practices Volume II".  I also referred to Volume I for information on that topic.  Since I seem to be having a HUGE OVERWHELMING OUT-OF-CONTROL physiological and emotional response to 10 minutes deep meditation with a 5 minute rest I am going to reduce to 5 minutes deep meditation with a 10 minute rest.  I also read not to add asanas for now.  Just do the deep meditation.  It also states that alternate nose breathing can be done prior to meditation in place of spinal breathing if you're really sensitive.  So, I am going to take today off since I still have symptoms and will resume tomorrow using this method.

[maheswari]

quote:You will notice the stored emotions trying to come out, because you will over-react to a situation. If you have crying stored in your body, something that is just a little sad might seem very sad. Sometimes for no reason at all it just comes out. All of this is normal, and for some of us it goes on for a LONG time.

this is my case....crying is good[]...check this ayp thread

Code: [Select]

http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=9563&SearchTerms=occurence,tears

[SiMPLiFY]

I found this and am going to try it today.  http://www.aypsite.com/plus/367.html  Wish me luck!  

I think I am over sensitive because this has happened before.  I don't want to give up so I keep reading the books and looking for answers.  I have Volume I in paperback, mp3 & Kindle.  I have Volume II in kindle only but have ordered the paperback.  It's been difficult for me to just complete the 1st step of deep meditation in a way that's not painful.  I'll keep adjusting to shorter and shorter times and think I really need the longer mantra.  I'm going to do this for 5 minutes twice daily with a 10 minute rest and see what happens.  I'm trying to not be afraid of it again... that's where I keep ending up.  I get scared, then I stop, then I try again and BOOM! etc ... so it's time to try it different.  Hopefully the longer mantra will be the key.  I've never shared my experience here before and I thank you for being here for me.  Maybe my fear will be reduced knowing that there are people on this forum ready to help if I get myself in trouble again.  Thanks

[SiMPLiFY]

I want to share my morning routine so maybe an experienced member can help me figure this out.  I just want to find a stable practice for right now using step 1 - deep meditation - without negative side effects.

Wake Up
Have a coffee
check e-mail
clean toilet
meditate 5 minutes - 10 minute rest
dry brush
shower
sesame oil body massage
brush & floss
start a load of laundry
cook hot breakfast
clean kitchen
put on makeup
have another coffee - check forums
finish laundry
start chores

I have the skull ache again.  What am I doing wrong?  I tried to go into it without fear.  I wanted it to be like a 1st meditation.  I felt a vibration in my head and heard like the sound of the ocean.  That rhythmic woosh woosh woosh ... hard to explain ... kept gently favoring the mantra ...

I need to do some stuff today but this skull ache really hurts.  I am tempted to go back to bed but will force myself to get my chores done.

This song popped into my head while I was resting.  It's a prayer of st. francis i learned when i was a kid.  that's never happened before.  no crying today - just this song.  

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to#65279; console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love. -St. Francis

i'll try again this afternoon ...

[SiMPLiFY]

this is the song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtJeI4Q9nBE&NR=1

[SiMPLiFY]

Now I feel like I'm talking to myself!

Anyway, for documentation I want to follow up on this thread.

I went to my D.O. today and advised him of the theory that meditation is processing the trauma of the car wreck I don't remember.  The reason I know the sites of injury is because I had my husband call my Dad a few years ago when I started having panic attacks.  The pain from meditation happens to be the sites of injury from my car wreck.  Interesting ...

So, my doctor was running late and I did my meditation in his waiting room for 5 minutes this time.
Blood Pressure 120/70 (usually way way way higher than that!)
Headache came right back so I rested in the office for 10 minutes while waiting for the doctor.  He checked and my right rib cage collapsed again so he manipulated that.  My neck was more stiff than it was when he saw me on Friday.  He did some other work and most of the physiological problems were found at sites of injury.  He looked behind my ear and saw where it has been draining puss.

I think I am going to go down even further to 2 or 3 minutes just to see if I can continue to process the trauma through meditation without these horrible headaches and other physiological problems.  Hopefully this will eventually process and I can go back up in a few months time to 10 or 20 minutes.

I just wanted to share this here and I think I am going to start keeping a log of progress and issues I have throughout this journey.

Any advise from more experienced meditators would be most appreciated.  I go back to my therapist on Wednesday.  She is the one who is encouraging me to meditate.  I would love to just be well.