quote:
Originally posted by CannabisSativa
Maybe I'm doing something wrong but today I felt depressed after meditating, I even worked out to feel better but I still can't feel quite good. I also can't tell if it's from this or because my life is not the way I want it to be and maybe this has nothing to do with what I'm feeling.
It could be either/both. The sense of "my life is not the way I want it to be" is very likely the leading cause of depression (no joke).
My website,
http://livingunbound.net , has some teachings, techniques and resources that might be useful for you, especially in Level 1 of the lessons there. One of the reasons for starting the site was exactly the type of situation you describe -- feeling mentally or emotionally uncomfortable, and not being sure how to "troubleshoot" it, and, sooner or later, step past it. Just as AYP works as a good overall guide for yoga and meditation practices, Living Unbound may be useful for you for looking at some of the ways you use your mind, and how you look at life, outside of practices. All "just FYI", in case you feel drawn to check it out.
quote:
My mind goes from periods of silence and then to over-thinking, like if I'm doing something it feels like if I'm not there. I need help I could literally cry right now but I'm holding it so hard.
1. As I believe someone else suggested: if you feel like crying - cry. Nothing wrong with it, and nothing to be gained (except bad stuff, like undue stress and possible disease) from holding emotions in. Emotions are like weather; if allowed to naturally "blow on through", they're not a problem. Sometimes a good authentic cry is "just the thing" (and I say this as a man who had a lot of the same health-derailing "don't cry" conditioning that many men have, for a long time; I got over it a number of years ago -- and I've never looked back, or cared to).
2. The mental dynamics you describe are a very well-known phenomenon; people have been dedicating their lives to this stuff -- and documenting the successful results .... for literally thousands of years.
For instance, one set of symbols represented by the three letters of AUM are Waking, Dreaming and Deep Sleep. Kashmir Shaivism also teaches that each of those states contains the three states - for instance, in your case --- in the waking state, you have "waking in waking", "dreaming in waking" and "deep sleep in waking". Waking in Waking is regular waking consciousness. Dreaming in Waking is over-thinking, thereby creating the conceptual overlay that causes some spiritual paths to say that "all this is a dream" or "all this is illusion". Deep Sleep in Waking is when we're so caught up in thinking-delusion that we're effectively absent, entirely, from the moment we're in -- exactly as you described.
And please note that my point isn't to get you think about Kashmir Shaivism, or these "states within states" ... but to point out that, as bad as thought-emotion "storms" can feel when we're in them ... they're a normal and very-well understood part of the process (of the yogic path). And they were deemed important enough to talk about, that certain paths (like Kashmir Shaivism) literally worked descriptions of these things, and what to do about them, into their most sacred writings.
And so, just keep practicing, and maybe check out
http://livingunbound.net , and/or the book Loving What Is. I also heartily recommend Real Love by Greg Baer, and Non-Violent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg (there are resource articles on the Living Unbound site, describing both books, as well as Loving What Is). These three books can help us all be clear on the ways in which we may be creating suffering by the way we use our thought processes (Loving What Is), the way we think and behave in our relationships - any and all relationships (Real Love) and in the ways we communicate (Non-Violent Communication).
I, for one, was especially blown away by Non-Violent Communication; I was sure I was a very peaceful communicator, and was surprised, a few years back, to learn otherwise. Most of us have been so deeply conditioned in the ways that we communicate, that we may not see, at all, how violent we really are in communication -- not only with others, but with ourselves, via our own thoughts. Getting some clarity on all this can help a lot, not only in reducing suffering, but also in accelerating the process of yogic sadhana.
The Yoga Sutras says
yogash chittam-vrtti-nirodhah - yoga (union; oneness) is the cessation of mind-disturbances. (Yoga Sutras, I.2)
Non-peace requires thinking.
Daily practices go a very long way in ending mind-disturbances, especially the ones that are deeply-seated in conditioned memory. Some of the information I mentioned above can help us create far fewer new conditioned memories, while also releasing old ones, as well - thereby complimenting the process we engage in, in sitting practices. As with all things in the world of mind and spirituality --- "slow and steady wins the race"; as Yogani has said multiple times: "this is a marathon, not a sprint." And so, I'm not recommending anything major or radical; I'm just pointing you in the direction of a few resources you may find useful - there's no urgency, and you certainly don't have to use them all, or use them all now. Having said that, some of us here, including myself, have found all three of those books, as well as the information on the Living Unbound site, to be very helpful (hence the enthusiastic recommendations).
3. Per your username, I'm guessing that you may have a passing acquaintance with marijuana use? Perfectly cool, if so, of course (we're a very open-minded bunch around here, if you didn't know that already). I bring it up only because while marijuana isn't usually a depressant, major changes in usage (a whole lot more, or a whole lot less), especially in combination with other chemicals, and especially if going through a rough patch in life ... and so, just another component that might be contributing on some level, that you might want to watch.
4. "Finally Finally" as other have said -- sitting practices may well have been the catalyst to feeling so badly. You might want to reduce or eliminate practices for a day or two, to see if that makes a difference.
I hope this is useful!
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman