Thanks Ether. I don't think I repress my anger.. my reactions towards anger have changed.. do you think not reacting to it is in a way repressing it? What I do seem to ignore is, the slight breeze of depression that pops up now and then... and that is what I have been sacred of all along... the fact that I don't let that feeling get out and take over me.. so when I was off guard this time.. it took over and wont let got... that is what I am going through now... So I am just letting it get me as low as it can take me.. good idea or not... not sure.. but other than watching it take over me.. I don't think there is anything else I can do...
Alexander, Wolfgang, Richard, Meg, Ranger, Louis, Yogani... thank you so much.
You know Meg and Yogani, you maybe right... I have been wanting to go back to my art (that I gave up on after the kids were born)... I have been wanting to go volunteer someplace and make myself useful.. but don't seem to have the support or time for either.. maybe once the kids go back to school I will get into something...
Wolfgang.. Thank you ...
Alexander, are you sure you are 17? What lovely words.. Thank you.
Ranger that was a beautiful poem by Rumi. Thank you for your kind words.
Yogani, I read that quote by Rumi before.. it did not mean much then.. today it has a meaning..
Longing and the inner guru are one and the same. Our longing for completeness is the divine longing for expression. It is sacred.
-ultimately, longing is not about adding something, but about giving something away, about expressing from within -Thank You Yogani... I did need to hear that.
In AYP we say, "Pace bhakti as necessary." How do we do that? The most obvious way is to do "other things." Work in the garden. Take walks. Help another. Watch life ... and see that it is who we are... at this point... nothing takes my mind off this longing.. It's not that I don't work in my garden.. or I am alone all day.. I find myself laughing and talking with my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors, and even in the midst of it all.. the emptiness in my heart seems to stay there, all the time... the longing for something does not go away..
my life seems to lack me...
Richard, I don't even think of God anymore.. the more I think of God.. the more frustrated I get.. so I don't know how else to self pace bhakti.. I involve myself in as many things as I can.. but my longing does not go away.. like Ranger said.. it is a constant fever that flares up at times.
Louis, I live every day as if it were my last.. I picked on this after I started my AYP practice and realized I had missed out on my children due to depression.. maybe that is what I have to self pace on.. maybe I need to put some distance between my life and "me".. I need to find "me" in my life... everything is always about everyone else...
For now though I just have to get over this phase...