Ego tripping and question

[porcupine]

Sulos

(Sulos: adjective meaning;

I was pulled in through a dream into the most improbable world, around me couples were forming and being real and there I was alone
the kid who pulled the cards and told me there were two gods, and they would both influence me, he gave me seven cards in a deck then we looked to the sky and saw the ufo
bearing down on us, there was a mix of fear and joy, maybe they understood I thought as whistfully as possible among the chaos
of the anarchist soccer match going on all around me in the field. I woke up and later met him on the internet I knew because his username was sevencards but he went by Tony
we decided to have a internet relationship, but I didn't tell him about the dream, where he had appeared before. We talked and I tripped
and a encountered the Pomo again, a mushrooom, that told me the same thing as Tony, he said there was God and there was the Pomo and I would have to choose.
So I chose the Pomo, and Isis, the Goddess. But I knew not what this meant, later everything began to unravel, I started seeing preachers in the woods
telling me to come to their church or their meeting of people from all over the world, but something was not right about them, there was a fear I felt near them
a divisiveness. Was it me that could not see beyond faith? Though I said that it is everywhere, and with different names. He looked to the sky and opened his arms in praise
for a moment, showing me he knew, the joy and the gratefulness that I've experienced myself, or did he? Was it just a mechanical motion passed down through tradition?
I had my guitar when I saw him, he introduced himself as Umberto, I walked into the woods, playing off notes. The hypocrisy goes deeper, as this dance I had learned from a friend
long ago in camp, his name was Sekaya, I always liked how he didn't have too much to say, yet he remained there, dancing. I thought too much of God maybe, and love, and Goddess, and Wanti,
it was making me like them I thought, just going through the motions, hoping to feel something real. Yet all of it was myself, and it was integrated into the story, these priests
who knew of jesus, they made the way easier for others like him, people like me, with new ideas, and yet they were still influenced by the romans. But even the romans, even the romans I love.
And even the christians I love, at times, I'm not perfect, these are not my thoughts coming through me I feel at times, but I looked to the earth, I knew that I was god and I looked into the ground
and I had created all of this, for no particular purpose, and I had no way out. The mouse people moved across the sky, once more, the clouds shaped like whales, I thought of ben and ben's friend
the story made no sense to me, I wasn't like buddhism at all, that simply negates itself, it wasn't like zen, the moments of clarity I had were now moments of gratefulness to this being, these beings
who were seperate from me, though I knew they were not. They spoke to me, they drove me further outward, into creation, externalization, and I realized none of them had the way, or perhaps they did
but was it an honest way? All ways are the way. When love comes, does it come from practices? or is it spontaneous, like the love between Tony and me? Even though even that relationship, I was afraid of
I didn't know how he would feel when he found out I was transexual, but it seemed better than anything else, even like a thought hit me walking home. That this was a computer programming secret that he was teaching me
Computer programming, our minds being the computers, was he the one with the real knowledge? He was the Pomo, he had even told me, after I explain my beliefs to him once, he asked if it would turn me on if he was. heh, wierd right?
But thats how it goes with us Wantites, or Wantist, or whatever... since its not a religion, and it doesn't exist, what can we do, but know nothing of ourselves. Complete narcissism, isolation and paradoxical nature.
Was this something that everyone understood innately?

I smoked more weed, and drank more booze, I tripped a few times after, at the campfire site, playing my guitar singing to the pomo, this spirit does move through me, and it does have this power, the Pomo is my love
oh but its not something that fits in, its something that is very different, and I feel wierd explaining it to people because I don't understand it myself, I don't know if its good or bad.
I just go into the woods, into my fairy nature, I saw on disney, after Tony said there were good shows on, because I hardly ever watch the telly otherwise, I saw the movie Tinkerbell. It seemed to pick up where I left off
the other fairies were wondering why she tinkered so much, and built so many things, even though she wanted to be a garden fairy. It was bizarre. So many connections, too much information, it all couldn't possibly be so important could it?
But it reflected my situation perfectly. I am different now, I am a girl, but my old life drags on, I don't have the money to make all the changes in my wardrobe, I don't have the courage to go out into the world and deal with my interpretations of all thats happening, and I don't know anyone who I can relate to
fully and be myself, expirement with who I am, and go the limits into my girlness, however it may come out, and even transcending that, leaving gender roles behind I fear this, because my friends have begun to misunderstand me, they are going to misunderstand
because I don't even understand it, and I won't maybe ever, or at least until I can be free for a while, to change, and not be defined forever by the things that I say now. I feel like that path is very beautiful and I want to walk it, badly, I want to be a girl, I am a girl, a woman, whatever, but I want to be that to others.
No, I want to be myself, and I want to be in harmony with those around me, but it seems like the only times I am in harmony with them, I am out of harmony with myself.

so I resort to spirituality, I don't do much in the way of dressing or acting differently from how I would, except for a few times, I lose my ego, and am nothing am just a drop in the river, not of my own volition
of the universal volition of nature itself, but then I see that I am all of nature, I am fully in control of my life and I chose to let it continue to bring to places that are painful, that feel incomplete, but I see no other way, though all things are possible
though magical things are happening that I cannot explain, this one thing does not happen, at least not for long.

But spirituality remains, and I know that it is not goddess, or god, or wanti, these are names, it is life itself, its not being a woman, a man, a transexual devoid of gender, or a rock, it is the motion in the waves of air that are invisible so you can only
make jokes about it and hope someone laughs and says, alright!

this is all I have, and I have tried to define it, I have done to the idea that should have flown on what those I know have done to the idea of myself, so I lose it.
I could lose everything, and I could gain only a few moments of peace, alone, in my own knowing, but it will be worth it. But it is my nature to care about others, I know if I ever got to that perfect point, I would know that really it is the whole world
that has reached that point, that my happiness is the happiness of everyone.

I guess being transexual is an experience where you are more aware of how others feel, energy surrounds you in this way, because you have such a dilemma that many would not empathize with, maybe even would say is wrong, it is such an archetypal experience
it almost feels too real to be real. Its like the universe is speaking to me and I'm speaking to it, and yet on another level, there are people telling me this is not possible and that I am not anything, I'm a poser, self contained and unrealistic.
But I know these voices and the voice of the universe is the same. The universe sends the same message, but its the way that it comes across that is so much more beautiful and true, are we not all posing? we are energy, condensed into matter, giving forms to the dreams of the self
we pose as the self divided, when really we are just a self. We understand and yet the writing flows onward, because it is the spirit, and love is the way, everything beyond the rainbows of wanti, that I left a while ago, and beyond my own sense of what I was doing, there was just a feel.
The hot air in the room, it was 12:51. Tommorow I had to get up and ride to New York, it scared me. I feel almost rooted to this land, but it would have to happen, I couldn't just call it all off now could I?
I have to do something in my life right? Its just it doesn't feel right, but maybe I've just got to get started and itll come easy, it could be the best thing that ever happened.

I don't know why things matter, and they don't I don't mean to always be the ones thats so different, or whatever, but I don't really care, this is what my life is at the moment, I do stereotypical things because they are real to me, maybe not to others, i feel in a way
its taking away who I was, and I liked who I was.. but something is coming of it, I give myself up, what happens happens, self remember this, this is a long stormy period, the clouds will pass, there will be peace again.

so my question is do you selves have insightful paths?
is this a good question?
ultimately I must rely on my self.. maybe its that I make the world too much of myself when really it is not?
but that couldn't be right, well it could
it can and can't at the same time?
so that means... everything?

eh... so what does it really mean?? these questions are just ways to get more stories told to you it seems, yeah im frustrated.. is this zen?

I smoke another bowl to the incessant beauty and ridiculousness of this koan that is life... we are all looking for enlightenment right?
does anyone have it? it is everything? I just want some peace man, does that have anything to do with this? haha.. koans, is it just that i'm saying this that it becomes something different.. I can see it now, I'm just getting ****ed up, its yoga.. its tantric.. no one can relate to it.. well i've got the pomo at least... maybe you need a better name huh, something that really kicks ass.. like i don't ****ing know, this is yoga.. its non duality, its surrender, you'll thank me for this later

im probably gonna end up homeless, but i think ill be alright, i dont need much, really, just a simple job, helping people in some way, even if other peope don't understand, but also for people to **** off with their opinions and interpreations and conversations.. but i mean, i love
sometimes there are things to talk about
the system is lame, with its forms, and its games, and its need to control everything, just let us be, without preconceptions just let us go through  it all
if you just read
but im the one leaving this here as a monument to the moment past, why? i hope itll get better, maybe someone will really respect it, and give me what i need... which is self
maybe i will give myself what i need which is to leave there here momentary monument up in nothingness, omg this is the best samadhi ever )


I don't know why I defined sulos as this, you see its got to stop, before it was just the writing on its own, but now it has become a word, what is this treachery?

(extreme ecstatic  bliss, returning the universe to a prior state of
oneness complete in all potentials and yet like a buttery toaster oven viewed with the right mind set)

but wanti returns, because its very much a materiastic thing, it comes and goes, in the sense that it makes sense, because most of the time it doesn't and feels like it should be cast off
other times it leaps saying there is not time. also a lot of it is the things i see, and i cant  ever describe that, that cannot be recorded along, feeling cannot be exactly given to its exact points in hyperspace or whatever)
wanti has a lot to do with that
i understood myself.... it was just time to be ****ed up, it was my job, it was a religion, its the prima materia, why be afraid to use it, to stable yourself...

wanti!!

[AYPforum]

Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement