Sexual energy leak / lying / forgiveness

[Jack]

Hello,

I feel like a guilty puppy looking for handouts of forgiveness from any willing giver on the street.. or like the guy in therapy calling his therapist at weekends!

I have found some benefit in sharing with this group, so please forgive me if I post this rude/lewd/sexual and private, embarrassing message here. If you don't want to hear about 'bass' things, you've been warned!

Allow me to pose the situation in a form of a question:

I was feeling very 'horny' the other day but deal with a lot of anxiety/shame around sex. My partner had showed some willingess for sex in the morning before work and hinted at a post-work interlude in the afternoon. I pop a herbal viagra and bike home after work, but feel some anxiety. The combination of the anxiety and the bike ride on a herbal V lead to my heart beating uncomfortably hard so instead of any interlude I lie down on the bed and feel weak. My partner sympathises! She has to go to work and hints at there being no worries about relieving myself once she's gone and my heart has calmed down.

So I do just that later in the evening. First to an image of an ex who shamed and spited me for sexual inadequacy. Then I move to an image of my current partner which feels more energetically clean and 'finish' to that.

I leave my partner a message letting her know what an amazing time I'd just had masturbating over her. She is pleased enough by this.

Next day, I'm finding her incredibly attractive, yet have some guilt around going phases of time with the story that she is NOT attractive. I have trouble with the erection, which she is lovely about, and at one point she asks me if I'd watched porn or anything the day before. I said 'Only a picture of you'.

We later on had sex after some relaxation and comforting..

Later on, I recall her question and my evasive answer. I feel guilt, shame. I feel incredibly anxious around her. I feel obligated to unload guilt on her and obligated to tell her I'd masturbated to an image of my ex prior to the image of her. But I am s*** scared of telling her, of upsetting her, or angering her, or being subject to her anger or upset, or of being shamed.

I am really prone to guilt, its like there's a kid in me that wants to unload its guilty conscience everywhere. Desperate for forgiveness, unable to let go of the issue within, and terrified of being shamed.

So to anyone who made it through such a juvenile post, please provide some reassurance, or challenge, or advice, or simply what-you-see here?

feeling sheepish,

Jack

[jeff]

Jack,

Your experience is common to all of us. You need to forgive yourself. The first step is learning to laugh at yourself. Also, take your parter out for a nice dinner

Jeff

[karl]

quote:Originally posted by Jack

I am really prone to guilt, its like there's a kid in me that wants to unload its guilty conscience everywhere. Desperate for forgiveness, unable to let go of the issue within, and terrified of being shamed.

You already have the answer. This is not something you don't know now is it ? Because you know, then you can fix it and you can, can't you ? This is something you know and........ how........ to.........deal with.
Either now or later, faster or, less slowly than that will happen easily while you sit there reading this.

[Jack]

I had a nocturnal emission early this morning while we were in bed together.. the girl in the dream was morphing between my partner and another woman.

I havn't mentioned this, we are celebrating our valentines today. If it looks like the situation may turn sexual I will tell her and explain I don't want to be shamed for it. Last time I had a nocturnal emission with another woman in mind I told her and she was very upset. So again I will only mention the 'her' part if need be.

The guilt thoughts run on automatic. DM helps to replace it with love for a short while. As does looking in the mirror and outright refusing to go down another shame cycle.

[CarsonZi]

Hi Jack

First, here's a hug, (((((((HUG)))))))

Second, here's what comes up when I read your post....

You need to forgive yourself and let go of the shame you are holding onto.  Looking to your partner for forgiveness (even if she gives it) is not going to rid you of the guilt.  Only forgiving yourself can do that.  

Essentially, I feel that you may be trying to "micromanage" this situation a bit... not sure how else to say it.  I would suggest that you just try to relax and accept what is happening right now.  When I "feel into this" a bit, I feel the constriction/tension that happens when you think about your situation.  Just try to relax the "gaze" a bit.  Try to consciously allow the heart to be open.  I can feel how much you love your partner and how much you want intimacy with her, but I can also feel your heart close up when you allow all the thoughts (the "what if's") to be entertained.  When you notice thoughts like; "I feel so ashamed" or "I'm sexually inadaquate" arising, notice them, but don't entertain them... don't follow them down the rabbit hole so to speak.... instead, just choose to relax and accept yourself... let the heart be open.  There is no salvation in these thoughts.  There is no salvation in thought period.  

I am not sure if you are going to find this helpful or not Jack, but this is what is coming up to say.  Know that you are in my prayers.

Love!

[Jack]

Thanks, Carson.

More lying based on fear.

She is hormonal and sends me a couple of slightly rude/sarcastic messages. I rarely stand up for myself but I am internalising all this anger, and I vent to a coworker about it.

I see her after work and she knows something is wrong. I explain how upsetting the messages were and we work that situation out. However, she asks me if I told anyone at work, and I say "No" - out of fear of her raging out.

And now guilt and anxiety again. Its blocking the success of this relationship and I feel terrible for lacking integrity.

How can I get beyond this?

Thanks Carson..

[CarsonZi]

Hi Jack

What does your practice set look like right now?

Love!

[Jack]

The transpersonal therapy group has for now given me a deep abdominal breathing exercise, wherein I work up to a 15 second exhalation, 15 second inhalation, 15 second hold, for 5-10 minutes twice a day. I am currently doing around 10/10/10.

Not wanting to lose my AYP practice entirely until I receive further specialised instruction, I have been adding 5-10 minutes of DM at the end, with plenty of rest. Sometimes Samyama but this can sometimes cause immediately evident overload.

I will do a quick 15 minute sit, rest, and return to the forum. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Jack

[CarsonZi]

Hi Jack

To me, it sounds like you are overloading.  I have an intuition that if you dropped all practices except for maybe 10 minutes twice a day of DM with 10 minutes of rest afterwards, that some of this anxiety and fear would begin to drop away.  What comes to the surface when you read this suggestion?  

Love!

[Jack]

Hi,

What comes to the surface for me when I read this suggestion is resistance. I am seeing a God-realised transpersonal therapist with three decades in healing sexuality.

I described AYP practices to him a while ago, he said these are advanced practices indeed and that while they have a place in the soul's journey, for me to practice them alone without real life support and guidance could put me in more harm than health.

I have a good deal of trust in this teacher, if I had to choose between practices I would probably go with the breathing he prescribed. I have a cold at the moment which makes breathing exercises more difficult, which is why I have been including more DM.

Still, I do like DM. Its a refined practice.

I can discuss this with the therapy team tomorrow.

She is home soon for snuggles. I will try to allay the anxiety for tonight and speak to my supports tomorrow.

I just had a practice so whooops. Better take a bath and some valerian to get through tonight.

[Jack]

I just remembered I had listened to a hypnosis tape last night as well. Maybe best to give that a rest.. yet I tend to go negative without some form of positive affirmation..

[Jack]

And what about the situation?

Commit to becoming more mindful of my actions, forgive myself, let it go, not mention it and deem myself worthy of this woman?

[CarsonZi]

Hi Jack

In my opinion, using any form of breath retention is going to continue to send you further down the anxiety rabbit hole.  What you need (again, in my opinion) is a balanced state of mind.  This is what DM cultivates.  Using abdominal breathing as your primary practice is not going to cultivate a balanced state of mind IMO.  In my opinion it will only aggravate things (as it seems to be doing).  You obviously can and will do what ever you are inclined to do, but I would strongly advise you to drop all other practices, for a couple of months at least, and do just 10 minutes of DM twice a day followed by 10 minutes of rest.  Doesn't mean you can't continue to use the group as support.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Love!

[CarsonZi]

quote:Originally posted by Jack

And what about the situation?

Commit to becoming more mindful of my actions, forgive myself, let it go, not mention it and deem myself worthy of this woman?

As far as the situation goes, my best advice is to cultivate a stable and balanced state of mind.  And you know what my advice is for how to do that.  If you have some inner silence everything else is going to fall into place.  Inner silence is the first step in my opinion.

Love!

[Jack]

Thank you Carson.

For some reason, I really look forward to meeting you some year down the line.

I will try as you suggested - in a sense it does feel right - but will mention this all to my therapist as it is entirely relevant and he may have something to comment.

"Beyond the state of the fear, is the state of peace. Beyond the state of peace, is the state of calm. Beyond the state of calm, is happiness. And beyond happiness, lies Bliss"

His quote.