Hey Sage,
It's great asking for help on this forum, because as I found, ta daa, you'll get helped! Yeah, you can find a lot to feed an obsessive nature (I've read so much on frenum snipping here, I think I could open a little surgical practice) but there's real support.
This is my 2 cents:
All the jumpiness, distractions, the "am I REALLY just sitting here?" the swirling thoughts, the dumb thoughts... They settle down. You're training that part of your mind to leave off. Don't stress. Don't push it. This is something very natural.
You're going to notice that your mind is doing things to stop you just sitting. It used to bother me a lot. I learned to greet each thought as it came up ("did I put the milk away?" "Why did my mother-in-law say that? Did she HAVE to say that?") with a quiet "hello, thought - goodbye, thought." You'll find that eventually you've detached the crazy, story-telling, worry-generating mind from the mind that... I don't know what it is. If you're like me you'll suddenly find a deep sense of companionship in the peace of meditation. Perhaps for you it will be something entirely new. Perhaps, like me, you'll rediscover something that's always been there.
And I hope it brings you joy.
Love!