Sexual energy leak / lying / forgiveness

[CarsonZi]

And beyond all that is Silence.  

Looking forward to meeting you...either in person or in inner space.  One and the same really.

Love!

[Jack]

I was given the advice to make a fresh start, and so to not drag up the past, and the message urge to "tell her all" is the urge to dump guilt.

So I was advised to sit with the guilt. Not in the guilt, but with it. And that the fear of guilt needs to be released, and that then I will see that guilt itself has no energy behind it, for it is based on thought alone.

I was advised to breathe, open and soften into guilt, to allow safety in. Safety as a state of no anxiety, no guilt, no anger.

I have sat like this for over half an hour in addition to twice daily DM. I'm going to run a bath now and will continue to follow the advice but then I should probably stop else I carry on overload.

Jack

[Jack]

I could see the physical sensation and words "Tell her, you've got to tell her", all the stories.. but there was a gap between me, the observer, and the thoughts. Pretty new..

[Jack]

Guilt is still present. What do I do!

[CarsonZi]

Hi Jack

quote:What do I do!

1.) Meditate twice a day
2.) Be patient (allow some time for the accumulated effects of a twice daily, well paced, DM practice to take hold
3.) Perhaps try using Byron Katie's "The Work" on the guilt: http://www.thework.com/thework.php

Love!

[bewell]

quote:Originally posted by Jack
Last time I had a nocturnal emission with another woman in mind I told her and she was very upset. So again I will only mention the 'her' part if need be.
The guilt thoughts run on automatic.

Jack

I went through a phase of about a year or two when I refrained from having waking conventional/ejaculatory orgasm, and in that time I had a lot of nocturnal emissions, maybe fifty or so.  Of those I only remember one where my wife was in the dream at all (In that one odd dream, what happened was that a high school teacher of mine from years ago was making a move on her sexually).  I do not recall whether I ever told her how rarely "she" was in my dreams.  She claims I am usually in her erotic dreams.  I am not sure what to make of the difference, but I have become comfortable admitting consciously to myself (and now to you[]) that for me, getting aroused is virtually always rooted unconsciously in some attraction outside my primary committed relationship.

I hope that helps.

[Jack]

Hmm, this is very interesting. Thank you for choosing to share this with me, bewell. I have been told that some 99% of guys will find a greater attraction outside of their primary comitted relationship.

The thoughts of guilt are more around gossip and lying now. And fear of telling her. The Work website recommends to not apply the work to my own self, but on others as this will serve as a mirror.

Does Katie go on to guide through applying the process directly on ones self, actions, beliefs in any of her books?

Its like the guilt becomes a huge pool of sadness.. telling me we are all so completely connected.. it is the energetic shame/grief of allowing the ego to create division and discord instead of allowing oneness and unity.

[bewell]

Jack

You once described your partner's mood as "hormonal."  But have you considered the possibility that your own feelings of sadness and guilt are "hormonal"?  Orgasm is a hormonal experience.  Notice how different you feel in a pre-orgasmic state compared to how you feel afterward, a minute afterward, an hour, a day.  

In AYP Yoga we cultivate the hormonal experience of pre-orgasmic bliss.  Have you considered the possibility that you and your partner might be overloading on orgasms?  How often do you have ejaculatory orgasms?  Have you ever tried cutting back, moving in the direction of once every two weeks to a month?  In my experience it makes a huge difference in how I feel, and how I relate to my partner.  

Be

[Yaming]

Hi Jack,
I am personally only capable of being in a relationship when I can openly speak with my partner. Without that base the relationship just doesn't last long. Now, there is always this problemn: in order to be able to lead such a relationship, it requires both parties to be strong, open minded and willing to work things out. What do you do if you miss some of those qualities?
IMO it is the same as in yoga. How strong is the desire to maintain the relationship or even better evolve it? If the desire is there from both sides you should be able to start discussing the things that bother you with her. So what do you do if you don't feel ready to discuss things? The topic might easily slip out of your hands ending in a disaster. That is why, IMO, carson adviced you to meditate. It will give you a stable mind. Which in return enable you to stay calm and reflected and keep the discussion under control. It might take you a while to get to a point where you feel stable, but believe me, it is worth to strive for it.
Concerning the abdominal breathing exercises: coming from this type of exercises, I can say that, the exercises are very relaxing, if done properly and never have triggered any overload symptoms in me or the people, with whome I was practicing. But then again, you might be different and react strongly to it. If this is the case, cut down the amount of time you spend practicing. In any case, I really recommend you to meditate twice a day. It will help you in your whole life.
Wish you the best!
Yaming

[Jack]

I am propelled by a force towards honest communcation now.
There is an old anti-force of fear.

Its quite a rollercoaster.

I am keeping with abdominal breathing. I was straining too much before. Keeping it to 5 second exhale, inhale, hold full is relaxing.

Self-observation of thought and feeling subselves also. Soon to include non-identification and Self-remembering.
Its a good path. Self-honesty is good.

Jack

[Jack]

Hi all,

I have told her over a dozen little and not so little things this past month. She has been understanding and fine in most cases, and upset and angry in some. I've practiced honesty and it has gotten to the point where we cannot take much more remembering of past instances due to the emotional strain on the relationship.

She is busy, stressed and emotionally burdened by several other things in life and cannot take much more of me going, "I feel guilt and anxiety because I remembered xxx from past"

I remember things, some tiny (or are they?) and guilt and worry come up consistently.

I see I have not been the best guy in the past, and want to make changes.

So when something else comes to mind, like remembering a time of talking to a friend about my own health in regards to some activities me and my woman were engaging in, I feel like I have implied negatives about her and given and unclear picture of what she is like. I can't even remember if I mentioned her or if I just talked about my own behaviour but there is an implication either way - and there is guilt around it, and fear of telling her.

Is it better to communicate everything? When I have something sh*tty I've done in the past in mind, it becomes a block in my mind to intimacy including physical intimacy.

I've been observing all the different impulses within me and see all the ways I have been hurting myself and others. Its a shock. Guilt and anxiety are strong thought-patterns/feelings in me.

Is it okay, is it forgiveable, to NOT mention everything?

[cosmic]

Hi Jack

It isn't necessary to revisit every painful memory from the past. To me, the important thing is to forgive yourself and move on. If you feel guilty about who you've been in the past, resolve to grow as a person. It seems like you want to do that, and I commend you for it.

As you forgive yourself, you'll discover what's important to tell your partner and what isn't. Have you considered the possibility that she's already moved on from the things you're dwelling on?

Yoga practice will support your efforts. I highly second Carson's advice here:

quote:Originally posted by CarsonZi

1.) Meditate twice a day
2.) Be patient (allow some time for the accumulated effects of a twice daily, well paced, DM practice to take hold
3.) Perhaps try using Byron Katie's "The Work" on the guilt: http://www.thework.com/thework.php

You are a beautiful human being, and you are loved. Soldier on, divine brother

With Love
cosmic

[HathaTeacher]

quote:Originally posted by cosmic

Yoga practice will support your efforts. I highly second Carson's advice here:

quote:
1.) Meditate twice a day
2.) Be patient (allow some time for the accumulated effects of a twice daily, well paced, DM practice to take hold

You are a beautiful human being, and you are loved. Soldier on, divine brother

Very much so. Meditation (and yoga, when performed with a meditative  awareness), gradually makes the tension, guilt, embarrassment, etc. vanish. The memories can still be there, but not the strong emotions. You detach from them and move on, even if you don't bring them to a conscious or verbal level. The letting go is sometimes as simple as friction during meditation, followed by clarity of mind for the rest of the day - consciously, you only notice you've probably grown a step further (not what has been released etc).