Deceit

[Rattan]

I have during the last couple of months been on the receiving end of a large amount of deceit. A friend pointed out to me a while ago that deceit by yourself creates deceit. Reap what you sow. So I got exactly what I deserved.
 
It is such a shock when you discover you are being lied to. Your whole universe suddenly tilts, shifts, and when it settles, everything looks different. It then takes a while for the pain to subside and your racing thoughts to be brought under control.
 
Then, I could almost dispassionately listen for the lie. And feel a love and tenderness for this person that feels she has to protect me from the truth of that is going on in her life. I got this heightened sense of intuition, and could detect most of the deceptions as they were were told. But also a lot of uncertainty, where I knew I was not hearing the truth, but could not discern what the truth was. In some cases I think I had a very good idea of what really was going on. Of course, I was deceiving now as well again, pretending to believe everything I heard, while asking the innocuous question, and smiling inside when I catch the inconsistencies. It became a game.
 
Now it is over.
 
Knowing it is not entirely possibly, I resolve to try to be as honest and truthful in future as I can be. Especially to be as honest as I can be with myself. Because: Deception succeeds first of all in deceiving one's own heart.

[CarsonZi]

Hi Rattan,

Thank you for posting this thread.  It hit home for me.  I went through a long period of life where I was decieving everyone in my life.  Everyone thought I was ok, stable, maybe a bit of a workoholic, but generally ok.  What I really was was a mess.  Addicted to several IV drugs, stressed, unhappy, decietful, and fake.  Even to myself.  I told myself I was still in control, that this really WAS what I wanted for myself, that everything would be ok in the end.  I was deceiving myself, and in doing so, decieving everyone else around me as well.  Eventually I got to the point where I realized I was not in control, and once that happened, things fell apart at record speed, and everyone soon found out how messed up I really was.  You are right that knowing is not entirely possible, and you are also right in that the key is being honest with yourself.  Because in order to lie to another, you must first lie to yourself in one way or another.  Thanks again for the post.  Best of luck

Love,
Carson[^]

[Shanti]

quote:Originally posted by Rattan


Knowing it is not entirely possibly, I resolve to try to be as honest and truthful in future as I can be. Especially to be as honest as I can be with myself. Because: Deception succeeds first of all in deceiving one's own heart.

Wonderful.. you get it.. "Knowing (at the mind level) it is not entirely possibly"... there is no way to ever satisfy the mind. You cannot find answers to your questions with your mind.. you may answer one of the questions to your mind's satisfaction.. but there will be ten more that will pop up.  This is a huge realization, and you may not realize the implications of it right now, but do keep that one line in mind. Not sure if you practice any kind of self inquiry (or samyama).. but if you can do some inquiry on that one line.. a whole new world of understanding "mind filters"  will open to you.

Deception as you call it, will hurt when there is a "me" to protect. "I" need to know, "I" need to be honest, "I" need to know what is going on in "my" world. That "I" exists in the mind.. the mind creates "me" and "mine". Right from when we are maybe two years old.. the concept of "I"ness beings to take root.. "My toy", "my mommy"... It then grows with us and the sense of "I" just gets stronger.

In your post, I see you have had a slight glimpse of this, a crack through which you can see the working of the mind to create "me". Keep up with your meditation and add some form of self inquiry if you can.  I am not being advaita or whatever they call that.. I am just trying to share a little something that helped me get over getting "hurt" when things did not go the way my mind thought it should. If you can see there is no "I" to protect, then no pain can stick. Things are happening around us.. life is flowing.. we are at the center of it.. watching it unfold.. we are the silent center.