ex druggie needs reassurance

[MrSteroids1]

I need to be reassured that enlightenment is a good thing. Have any one of you reached the true unity consciousness?

You see, the thing that made me want to start meditation is because inside my head was a real mess caused by drug abuse. I've had one mindblowingly intense trip by mixing 3 psychedelic drugs at a quite high dose each, the trip that made me swear to myself to give up drugs once and for all. It started by a black hole appearing in my bathroom which very painfully sucked my consciousness out of my body. already i was freaking out (on the automatic pilot, because I was gone) thinking that now was the end of the world.

Not saying the unnecessary details; at some point during the trip I got the realization that I was God and that all of life was just me creating myself a story because there is only me in the universe, the universe is me, I am a very lonely God, and having only myself to speak with for the eternity made my mind create the scenario of "life" to give myself the illusion of something to do (like a lonely photon created at the Big Bang that is still drifting somewhere in the universe, think that this lonely photon have a consciousness). The mind also created the illusion of spiritual evolution for the goal of giving myself hope that there is something good after this life of suffering, in the overall big goal of keeping myself in my illusion for as long as possible. Because believe me, the amount of despair i felt when i realized that all of life was an illusion created by myself to protect myself from the harsh reality that there is absolutely nothing else than myself in the universe. The emotional wound is very very deep and it still affects the way i think in my everyday life. All of these realizations were supported by hallucinations and feelings which made the experience even more real.

The fear that this realization of this harsh truth may be reality haunts me and blocks me from going further forward with my spiritual journey.

I need to be reassured that enlightenment, oneness with the whole, is a good thing. So if anyone here have achieved this state, hear my plea for help, talk about your experience.

[Bodhi Tree]

Read this lesson:
"Getting Enlightenment"
http://www.aypsite.com/plus/120.html

I've had some mind-blowing psychedelic trips myself, but having been sober a few years now, I greatly appreciate the gradual nature of the path now. Coming down off peak experiences in an abrupt fashion is definitely not easy, and that's why self-pacing is so key in maintaining a merciful speed.

If you can take a walk in a park and appreciate small miracles, like flowers and squirrels, then you can have just as much a taste of unity-consciousness as when you were viewing reality from such grand heights that you believed you were God, or whatever.

The whole point is to be in the Now, and when dwelling in the Now, all these small things I've taken for granted once again become sacred. The beauty of creation is obvious and far more appreciated.

So I would recommend tuning it down a few notches, engaging in some stress-free activities that are also grounding, and not trying to comprehend the entirety of the cosmic design, which is probably well-beyond the comprehension of even the most "enlightened" sages who claim to have reached some profound level of attainment.

What works for me is embracing humility via my individuality, and living my story with what's available, rather than waiting for some future supernova of epic proportions (though, to be fully honest, I still have a thirst for ecstatic fireworks, but at least it's more integrated into my daily life than it used to be). Functionality, you know. It's nice to be able to relax and enjoy the ride.

Be still and flow.

[Radharani]

Dear MrSteroids1,

I can relate!  I've mixed quite a few strong psychedelics in my wild youth and had my share of consciousness-sucking black holes in the bathroom, etc., although my experiences were overwhelmingly positive and encouraged me to seriously pursue my yogic path.  Yoga eventually gave me what I had been seeking through psychedelics, and more.

The narrative you expressed about God and the Self and the little self is, as far as I know, technically true.  But the part you left out is that the One became many for the sake of reunion - for Love! For enjoyment of God, life, ourself and other persons.  "Illusion" is just terminology; no need for despair.  It simply is what it is.

FWIW, there are different approaches to so-called "enlightenment."  There is monism, where the self is utterly gone, in stillness, silence and peace - Brahman. And there is dualism, where the self remains just enough to enjoy the ecstatic process of losing oneself in God, all the while still knowing that God is the only Reality - Shiva and Shakti, Krishna and Radha.  You can find variations on these themes in the various religious mythologies and traditions.  People will argue tenaciously about which approach is "better" but IMO it's a matter of personality, mood and temperament.  We can enjoy hanging out in one state or the other as we wish.

As far as "going forward with your spiritual journey," it's kind of an organic process which will unfold as it should.  A plant doesn't stop growing because it is worried that it might not like blooming.  As far as whether or not "oneness with the whole is a good thing" - too late!  You're already one with the whole.  There is nowhere else to go.  So-called "enlightenment" is just the process of realizing what is already the case.

So, I would recommend:
1.  Lay off the psychedelics (which it sounds like you already decided to do so).
2.  What Bodhi said, above re: grounding activities, enjoying the simple things in life, etc.  (well said, Bodhi!).
3.  Explore your relationship with God in whatever tradition/manner works for you - father/mother, friend, Lord, lover - whatever.  You can always dissolve back into utter oneness if you want, but meanwhile, "Love casts out fear."  Remember why we became many.
4.  When you are ready, simple yoga practices like deep meditation.  But, not yet.  Especially if you are still having hallucinations or similar phenomenon, concentrate on grounding activities for now.

I promise there is really nothing to be afraid of.  We can trust the process as it unfolds.  You just had a really intense jolt from having that experience without the tools/context to properly integrate it.  Others have been there and we survived and grew from it.  You're not alone.

Thanks for your contribution to the AYP forum!  Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing and don't hesitate to ask questions.  Much LOVE to you!