co-dependency and spiritual traps

[emc]

Lately, I've finally come to see how I not only used spirituality as an escape from going into my deepest shadows and wounds for a long time. Now I've also been shown how I use spirituality as a means to stay in destructive patterns.


Having a background of quite severe trauma of abandonment, and a family karma that has this as a theme on both parents sides, I'm prone to love-addiction and co-dependency. If you are unfamiliar with this pattern of functioning in relationships, check out this website with a fabulous explanation in four parts. Perhaps you will recognize yourself too?

http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/codependent1.htm

quote:Classic codependent behavior involves focusing completely on the other (when a codependent dies someone else's life passes in review.)  Having no self except as defined in relationship to the other.  This is dishonest and dysfunctional.  It sets us up to be victims - and causes one to not only be unable to get one's needs met, but to not even be aware that it is right to have needs.

Put some spiritual high-sounding empty phrases to that obsessed pleasing of the other to avoid getting into conflict and abandonment, and you have a great spiritual mind trap there!
 
"Drop your ego", "drop all wanting", "Give instead of have or get", "love the other unconditionally" "stay in the pain" "just be present and let any emotion dissolve" etc etc... Perfect fit for spritiually justifying a dysfunctional behaviour and actually becoming that doormat! I can see how this has played out in every relationship of mine, except one, and that was fine for 7 years. Accepting what is, at it's worst! It doesn't solve the dysfunctional pattern at all, but prolongs the suffering, in my experience. Perhaps someone else have managed. I haven't.

Better late than never. Flow, glow and therapy... It's time for some more therapy here!

[maheswari]

dear emc
life sends us exactly what we need to learn and grow...and failed relationships are the best mirrors that immediately spot and reflect what we are trying to  run away from
and those stories will keep on happening and repeating themselves (with new people and new partners) until (hopefully) we learn and we face our fears....only then we will be able to break out from this vicious circle of failed relationships...
dear emc i am no better than you in this aspect of a life....i am not into co dependent relationships at all but i have  insecurities...and none of my relations was successful cause still there are dysfunctional things in me and i am digging them one by one (through several successive failed relationships[])....the digging is difficult , it is full of thorns ,tears , ups and downs....but is there anything better to do than to remove ourselves from the pit/the mess we created to ourselves?
the purgatory continues...
TGIY

[swaha]

a healthy relating brings joy, growth, lightness.
even the hard moments of frictions end up in more maturity and mutual beneficial learnings.
both partners feel nourished, not depleted.
..
loving ourselves, respecting ourselves is the basic, the very essential starting point.
the very moment we notice we are not loving and respecting ourselves, that is 'being TRUE to our self', we should have the courage to stop the lie, and face it. better say 'thank you, goodbye' sooner, rather than
suffering even more later because we have been compromising against our inner truth.

light and healing to your heart, emc

[Yuri]

Dear Emc

Advise you to have a look at

http://www.anewlife.org/html/1998_lessons.html

I found these lessons very useful (the link is for 1998 lessons; you can then choose other years)

[Namath]

Hello Emc;

"...becoming that doormat! "

I don't know about spirituality.I know just one thing!As females in life we're very powerful.All male power(his strength,his intelligence,his hard work)...still as females we are more dominant in nature than men...

A man can be dominating everyone around...A woman comes and he become like a ring in her finger.

She can either turn his life into suffering or make him live in Heaven.It's in our hand basically!

So definitely any female is much much  better than being a doormat!

Throw all your experiences behind your back & wait for the one who firstly respects you & you'll live like a queen.

You are in my Samyama till you find the right One

All Love.

[emc]

Thanks for your reflections.

I love that any relationship will inevitably show what's left to cleans. Feels now I'm coming down to the core issue I haven't yet looked at. This past year I've been actively inquiring and healing the basic wound of abandonment, loss of mom. It's been quite a journey by itself.

Not until now I was shown the full consequences of that conditioning in my way of relating! AND, since I very easily fly up into highs and non-identification, I've been able to use it for spiritual bypassing in very subtle ways! This time life stopped it! I'm very grateful!

Maheswari, yes indeed, the beautiful process of cleansing continues on new levels!
Yuri, nice lessons. However, fine line between supression of emotions and going into bypassing again with such messages. I'm careful not doing that again this time. I'm in for the nitty gritty.

[karl]

It's all learning and it's all good, even when it seems bad.

Putting it into words is difficult, but here goes. Accept the lesson and not the situation. This is hard to figure out sometimes. It's easy to think its the situation that should be accepted in a spiritual, zen way and don't get the lesson that is being taught.

So, maybe we get cancer. It is not necessary to accept the cancer, we can fight it with all our strength. However it's a lesson, by accepting that we have been given a lesson we can begin to learn. Instead of it being a punishment it can be seen as an opportunity to learn about who we really are. If we attack the lesson we learn nothing at all, it is wasted as we become angered by our predicament. if we think that we should be meek sheep and accept the Cancer as some sort of spiritual necessity we miss the purpose of it entirely.

So, this goes for relationships. To subdue yourself for another misses the point of a relationship which is really about exploring who you are within the context of another. Sometimes we don't get the lesson the first time or even the tenth time, we just keep going until the light comes on.

[yogishankar]

quote:Originally posted by Namath

Hello Emc;

"...becoming that doormat! "

I don't know about spirituality.I know just one thing!As females in life we're very powerful.All male power(his strength,his intelligence,his hard work)...still as females we are more dominant in nature than men...

A man can be dominating everyone around...A woman comes and he become like a ring in her finger.

She can either turn his life into suffering or make him live in Heaven.It's in our hand basically!

So definitely any female is much much  better than being a doormat!

Throw all your experiences behind your back & wait for the one who firstly respects you & you'll live like a queen.

You are in my Samyama till you find the right One

All Love.

Well said . It is not the question of being powerful or not, both male and female are children of Divine. They have to depend on each other for their spiritual and mental growth. One has to be careful in choosing her/ his companion.

[Namath]

quote:Originally posted by yogishankar

quote:Originally posted by Namath

Hello Emc;

"...becoming that doormat! "

I don't know about spirituality.I know just one thing!As females in life we're very powerful.All male power(his strength,his intelligence,his hard work)...still as females we are more dominant in nature than men...

A man can be dominating everyone around...A woman comes and he become like a ring in her finger.

She can either turn his life into suffering or make him live in Heaven.It's in our hand basically!

So definitely any female is much much  better than being a doormat!

Throw all your experiences behind your back & wait for the one who firstly respects you & you'll live like a queen.

You are in my Samyama till you find the right One

All Love.

Well said . It is not the question of being powerful or not, both male and female are children of Divine. They have to depend on each other for their spiritual and mental growth. One has to be careful in choosing her/ his companion.

Thank you Shankar...Glad you see my point of view[]

Just an observation in Life,a confident man can never mistreat or disrespect a lady.It only comes from someone who is projecting his own insecurities.

"One has to be careful in choosing her/ his companion."

that's how I see it as well!there are some relations no matter how much you try to break your ego for..it will not work.& some relations are naturally harmonious...& as Swaha mentioned even conflicts are a chance for growth & more understanding for each others.
Of course, Love & Respect are the base

Salam

[yogishankar]

Of course, Love & Respect are the base

in addition to be truthful in all aspects.

[Steve Kelly]

Hello friends,

Transdimensional existence and the angelic worlds are open, free, and accepting. There maybe spirit worlds for 'chosen people' and spiritual snobs, but if they do exist they would be hellish places somewhere in the demonic realm. Only humans can invent nonsense like the Brahmin-the chosen one, and all those ego trips that permeate spiritual teachings and organized religion. It's a sad mistake to fall for that; it is part of the ghoul's control-trip. It is how spiritual teachers and religions hope to entice susceptible people. It plays to their ego and their insecurity, offering to make them safer and more special in the eyes of god-for a small fee, of course. God isn't stupid. The co-dependent is often immobilized by romantic obsessions. They search for the "magical quali" in others to make them feel complete. They might idealize other people and endow them with powerful symbolism.


Best regards
Steve kelly

[HathaTeacher]

emc, it's a tricky tightrope walk, between a "religious" all-heart-but-no-spine spirituality that shrugs from conflict, and all-spine-but-no-heart revolt-thing that shrugs from spiritual seeking. It seems to take many relationships and lifetimes to learn that balance, in my experience...

I think humor (when I'm capable of it ) is a good workaround to bring even "sensitive" issues on the table in relationships (plus as a self-healing bonus in intimate relationships, it happens to activate the same areas in the brain as foreplay).

[emc]

HathaTeacher, nicely put! Yes, humour is a great releaser!!! I use that, and also The Work, and it's a superb tool. However, it can also go havoc when honesty passes the limit and becomes uncaring! We may want to investigate all thoughts that comes up, and be radically honest, have total communication. However, we discovered that if there are many judgments about the partner, some thoughts would probably be better to take up with someone else. Just to be on the safe side.

[antifanous]

emc, you didn't describe your relationship problem very neatly (so that dummies like me understand it. That makes me wonder weather you didn't talk very honestly to your partner either. (However I understand that you don't want your whole life story in the net) I don't know much about spirituality, but I don't think that there is the concept of no boundaries or being a doormat. I think there is one good concept about communication: when you feel hurt or upset or whatever, take a deep breath, allow yourself to feel what you feel and communicate that. There is no way to avoid conflict. You can't blame your partner if you don't challenge him/her. Conflict is part of relationship. Without conflict there is no growth. It is not fair to your partner to not communicate honestly. My mother did that and it was a huge failure.
Spirituality is a personal thing, you can talk about this with others in a quiet moment but it has nothing to do in a conflict because that would assume that the other has the same beliefs than you.