... Well actually it's not so bad down here.
I am in Love.
I'm in love with so much these days. Yoga really has blessed me for this, I've never felt so much love for things in life the way I do right now. Despite the overloading and depression, the love is there to keep me moving forward, to keep showing me there is something VERY worthwhile I'm working toward on this path.
I caught myself falling in love-- again. More specifically with a best friend of mine. If you knew her you wouldn't blame me. She's an amazing person and a beautiful presence. I find myself smiling just thinking about her. I'm so happy and grateful to have her in my life. I really have nothing but love for her.
The other day on the subway she got up for two elderly ladies so they could sit down. They were so happy and surprised at this, they smiled and asked if she was my friend, when I said yes they replied "You have good taste." I felt so proud. She's so deserving of all the good that ever comes her way. I could go on for days about what makes her such a special person.
I hate to make this complicated, because there's really nothing bad about it, I'm just a little confused and curious you could say, and a little bit worried. I'm afraid of not being able to fully express all this love I have for her. I have more genuine love for her than any sexual attraction, although she is very attractive in that aspect as well. However, the love I feel is a little more on the "romantic" side I guess you could say?
From the day we've met there was always some connection between us. That was when we were 5 years old. It's hard to explain the connection we had from that point forward but she's been a big part of my life ever since.
She's everything I want in a girl. If soul mates exist then she might probably be mine. I always feel a little more complete when I'm with her (though being with her, or have a certain relationship with her for that matter, has never been required for me to feel fulfilled. It just adds to my happiness.) Ironically even the stars say we're a good match! I'm a Gemini and she is a Libra, which is said to be a really good astrological match.
I want to express my love towards her in a more direct way, I want to bring our relationship to higher levels and connect with her more deeply. I want a more intimate relationship, but I know that is her choice not mine. She's one of my best friends, and relationships can get really messy when all these emotions are involved. I wouldn't wanna lose this special thing we have. I also feel like we've went down two very different paths in life, so maybe she might not want to be with someone in a situation like mine. She's always had her life together, knew exactly what she wanted in life, and has always been very disciplined. She knew what she had to do to lead a stable and independent life and has been very successful. While I have been more the opposite in some of those aspects. I've always looked up to her for this.
The feeling that I need to get all these thoughts off my chest is heightened more by the fact that she'll be attending college very soon which is rather far from where we live. And this summer she'll be going to London for a month, so my time with her is really becoming limited. I don't wanna keep my feelings for her bottled up forever.
The love I feel for her is really remarkable. I'm grateful for it, but I want to act upon it and I don't know how to go about that. I want to express it towards her but I'm not sure if that's entirely appropriate. I'm worried if I do things will get messy, attachments will be made, and I'll mess up something good in my life. I'm not exactly sure how she feels about all this either. Are these feelings better off to be put to use in bhakti? The love and attraction I have for her makes me happy... literally. I have no idea why.
BTW, I remember reading a thread on the tantra forum and it was mentioned by one of the topic posters that love and affection can actually repulse the one you are giving it to. Has anyone found this to be true? What is your experience? Here is the thread link;
http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=10745I may be making this all more complicated then it needs to be, but I'm just trying to figure out the bigger mystery in it. Can anyone add some perspective, experience, or advice?
