Hi Kami
quote:
Originally posted by kami
You've hit it right on the head Carson - I can be too stubborn. Although I have noticed the beginnings of a softening around the edges of my thinking over the last few months, much work needs to be done there.
Just as an example (and I'm not at all saying this is how you are), here is how my stubbornness was affecting me:
I was too stubborn to even entertain the possibility that I was doing too much practice and that I was overloading. My ego was saying; "Look at me!! Look at how much yoga practice I'm doing! I'm soooo dedicated to Self Realization! I'm much special-er and WAY more dedicated then you!"
Blah. Blah. Blah.
This is how it often happens for me.... I push and push and push until I hit a brick wall and can't push anymore... Then, I'm
forced to re-evaluate. So, upon (forced) re-evaluation,
I realized that I was doing too much practice (fancy that!
). It really came down to a "quality vs quantity" thing for me. And relaxing a little bit really helped. It also drastically increased the bhakti here because, well, I REALLY enjoy my practices and I miss them. But that just makes me even
more amped to do my 20 mins of DM twice a day and keep it at that. And I really seem to get a lot more out of it now. I'm getting more out of 20 minutes twice a day of DM (even energetically) then I was doing an hour and a half of advanced practices twice a day. It seems so ass-backwards, but really, less is more.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
I feel the same, but assume it was the retreat's influence, of course.
I'd wager that the retreat had
something to do with it.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
I've probably gone from "under-sensitive" to "average-sensitive" because of the retreat Wonder if one reverts back to their inherent level of sensitivity once the effects of the retreat wear off. Do they wear off? Just wonder..
Who knows? Everyone is different and everything seems to happen in phases/cycles. For me, the retreat seemed to peel away a few layers of "the onion." It made me "raw" again. I assume that in time the new "raw layers" will become de-sensitized somewhat and I will be able to go back to a fuller practice routine. And then, something will cause another layer of onion to be stripped away and I will once again be "raw" and need to back off. At least that is what my intuition is at this point.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
You give me food for thought.
Good. Then I've done what I set out to accomplish.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
I must really do an honest appraisal of how I'm approaching practices. On initial thought, I can say I'm not excessively attached to the practices themselves, but it is entirely possible I'm attached to the results (or lack thereof, depending on pre- or post-retreat). I'm *attached* to the expanding silence, inexplicable joy and peace. That attachment needs to be dropped too, I know. I'm not there yet.
Perhaps you aren't attached to the practices themselves, but perhaps you are attached to the idea that you aren't overloading or that you are undersensitive? Is that a possibility?
There's no problem (IMO) with having a desire for expanding inner silence, inexplicable joy and peace. If we had no desire for these things we likely wouldn't be doing practices at all.
It's the attachment to the "this is where I am at" or "this is who I am" statements that seem to create obstacles. At least that is my experience.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
I'm also the kind that needs constant motivation to keep up with practices with uniform gusto.
In my experience the lasting motivation comes with some results (which you seem to be experiencing). With expanding inner silence, inexplicable joy and peace, comes motivation for more of these things. BUT, just because we want more silence/joy/peace doesn't mean we need to do more practices. Sometimes more practice actually creates less silence/joy/peace. That's definitely what was happening here anyways.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
Did you really think I was suffering overload at the retreat?
Yes, personally I do. Spontaneous, uncontrollable emotion can certainly be an overload symptom.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
Hmmm - maybe I don't see it as overload.. I've always associated overload with energy imbalances that people actually feel, and that I have not had.
This is why I suggest that you take some time to do an honest evaluation of exactly what is going on for you. Overload is not solely energetic. It is mental, physical, emotional, and more.
quote:
Originally posted by kami
And being someone that has a temper (yes, I know ), I've actually noticed that the short fuse is a bit longer I've been distressed that anger continues to be an issue, but that's a whole different topic. All in all, if I've been overloaded, I've not been aware of it..
It's wonderful that your temper fuse has been lengthened.
A sign of good things happening for sure.
I'm not saying that you are overloading. I really can't know that anyways, only you can. I'm just suggesting that you take an honest look at what kind of physical, mental, spiritual, energetic effects are happening due to your practices...... both positive and negative. Throw out the beliefs that nothing is happening, that you are not overloading, just for a moment, and honestly inquire into what is happening for you....without an agenda one way or the other.
Best of luck my Sista!
Love!