Hi everyone,
I just want to share my journey for the past months.
Since last fall, I had to stop completely every practice because of serious overloads I was experiencing. That was and still is felt as a great loss for me. I was unable to meditate because it would build up energy in my head, it disturbed my digestion, I would feel light headed, ungrounded, depressed, and fearful. I couldn’t afford all these symptoms while I was in the period of the final exams of my bachelor’s degree in osteopathy. Since then, I tried a couple of times to get back to practices but after only a couple of days I felt deep purification symptoms like depression and anger that last for days so I was not able to keep meditating.
One problem I have been facing is that simply treating patients in osteopathy gives me overload symptoms. The way I work in osteopathy can be quite meditative and I usually finish a session filled with energy. What usually happens is that I feel high just after the treatment, then energy builds-up in the head, I feel light headed, it gets stuck in the throat and the heart area leaving me feeling depressed. The energy is stuck on the right side of my body, slowly getting down where it gets stuck in the lower right part of my abdomen and pelvis. After some time it usually drains to my right leg with an energetic-ecstatic feeling in the right leg and feet that can sometimes be followed by a period of anger and deep tiredness.
When I was treating one patient every now and then that was fine but now that I start to treat more patients I am constantly on the edge of overload, and crossing the line more often that I would prefer. With great difficulty and despite bhakti that is eating me from the inside, I resigned myself to self-pace to the point of not doing any practice but I can’t self-pace my job, I need to earn my living. This situation has been worrying me for the past months. I am far from working full-time in osteopathy right now but I will be in about a month or so and I fear I won’t be able to sustain it.
I tried many things for grounding but in the end I am nearly always in overload and I don’t know what else I can do. I am always changing from optimism (thinking to myself that it will all get better soon) to pessimism (thinking to myself that it is still the same situation that will always come back and I won’t be able to meditate any more in this life…). I must admit I feel quite alone in this situation and I can’t find anyone in the people around me, inside or outside the osteopathic community, who understands this sensitivity issue related to my osteopathic practice. That’s probably why I wished to share this with you guys…
There are a lot of issues related to this situation. As I write this message, I realise that the connection to the people of AYP, some of which I met during retreats, is very important to me. But now that it’s been five months that I can’t do any practice I feel as if I don’t belong to this great community, that I am excluded from it by not being able to do the practices. I know that this is only crazy thoughts running in my mind but I still feel sad about it.
Hopefully life will find a way to solve these problems and I will laugh while remembering it in the future.
Thank’s for letting me express myself, it has already helped me.