My last thread here seemed negative I don't know if it was too much tension being released by my body and I can't say I went through the Dark Night of The Soul because I'm not a buddha but in these past months I've been meditating more. I'm 21 and started meditation around 19 or 20. I've been going through very intense mood swings, my chakras on the spine, central channel and frontal channel, hips, shoulders, temporal lobes, and limbs are very open. At night my crown clicks too and the other night I felt like a finger made of electricity poked me, like if someone very powerful zapped me. What could that be? Entity? Spirit guide? It felt like someone electrocuted me and my whole torso got up. I had to mention those details so someone here knows where I'm at, and I feel like I'm in love but at the same time heartbroken. I don't know what can fulfill this feeling, I've been seeking love from God but the mystery kills me. I've received plenty of signs but I can easily be tricked how do I know God is truly with me. I feel a voice talk to me in songs I think, but I feel like I'm going delusional. I mean I got to a point that at times I regret because this world disgusts me, it's like I can see people's egos so I have no more social connections with a lot of old friends. I feel like I have the sensitivity of a child, so materialistic things make me sick. I literally feel bad when I see certain things. In public I've had to control my kriyas and I've exposed them which embarrassed me so much but killed my ego more. Why do things have to happen this way? I feel like the universe itself tested me or like the fears I had to face were set up. My views on free-will are changing now, I don't believe much in it maybe partially. I even feel like my social habits or neurolinguistic patterns had to reassemble themselves. I know taoists say to not have attachment to the feeling in the heart and to empty it out but I just have this nihilistic or existentialist view on life and I hear God is impersonal. At times I really feel like dying but I want to keep this personality I really want to be enlightened I think I was born to be a healer, but I just feel like I have no guidance. I see numbers and signs but it's still a mystery to me. Should I just have faith? My life is getting better, I think I have less bad karma than back then because I've gotten tiny amounts of money, people give a better vibe I feel that they're TRUE SELVES are revealed at times to me. One time I saw love inside of everyone, I can't explain it but like if I saw the same entity in all of us but it happened once. Also I hear one cannot interfere with free will, I think that's stupid so I can only heal if people ask? I've healed people without asking and nothing bad happened to me. I'm also single even though I can energetically seduce people, but to me that doesn't matter because the way people are in this world dissapoints me. Anyone been through similar ups and downs? I've surrendered myself so many times, everything I do, or think when I'm aware is for the best of all and me. So I'm starting to really feel love, I think even for the people who stepped over me. I was gonna curse them all, but I just let go since I know everything comes from the internal battles within. I have never sent negative energy to anyone and hopefully never will I know I will be proud of that in my later stages. My goal is to be able to heal mass amounts of people, like make their whole body orgasm and more. I wish one day I could do that, I know people here have been through a real dark night so if anyone could say something that might help my understanding that would be nice.
