Hello all divine beings...
I feel if I don't share this I might explode at best, at worst move more into unhealthy isolation.
I feel if I say nothing, or just journal, then I am the most ungrateful speck of light ever born, and that something amazing is lost.
I feel if I write someone I used to see as my teacher, then I risk his tendency is reach out and stop 'all' towards me... like slapping blinders on me from out of nowhere, in response to my reaching out, is really ever the best approach to anyone??? Good lord that act is so triggering, and by my perspective, reeks of arrogance and fear of the 'devoring, wild female'...
... What it is, is that I'm having trouble sussing out what the healthiest thing to do is...
... What troubles me, what I want to write about is what seems to be my Kundalini process 'acting up'...
Sometimes I am called into meditation. Like as if thrown to the ground and forced into it. If I'm driving I have to pull over, where I find myself literally head-falling back into blackness, blindness, and unconsciousness while my body finishes the steps of taking key out, locking door, putting seat back. If I'm working at computer, I stretch out on the floor and am out within seconds. If I'm sleeping even!!! I'm bolted clear up out of sleep, blink blink around me, then pass back out into the same journey darkness.
So - I got the call again, where I typically do my AYP session at 5:30A...
4:45A
the intense demand that I participate, so I lay down, feeling like I'm passing out from powerful drumming vibrations
... then I'm filtering in and out of state of Consciousness, conversations where I'm different ages, always naive (to me) - too open, revealing too freaking much
5:00A
a quick "Sorry, I have to go do this now", and then a scene of this teacher with his real-life lover, sitting in what always feels like real yabyum
... and I get physical sensations of it too, like actual pushing in, heat as if from actual hands certain spots of my body, like actual spine and breathing, actual heart and breast fluid warmth
... then I cried. I usually cry.
5:20A
responses to my crying "Oh, no no no - don't cry, it's okay", and additional conversation to me about everything
... but I miss it all, or I garble it, or there's actual harshness, and I move into a choppy, PTSD kind of fear response, call on my angels, shields, nullify, cancel, revoke any all agreements, a blanketing of "I dissolve everything (connections, visions, words, agreements, magics, etc.) not for my highest good"
... I haven't a clue what will stay or go, but I'm just gripping in this fear, pouring everything I have into dissolving..
5:30A
Finally I feel and relax into a very clean bubble space, I can see it, no holes, no leaks, and just me. I still see everyone same as before - the sex, who I'm assuming is teacher, everything - just outside of the bubble - so I say "IF you are for my highest good, then you may enter this space."
... Just the main character walks in, and as he does, only the Death aspect of him enters. He is grisly, yet all is calm - and I state my intention that he must be me, that there must be a shadow me, a death me, and here I see him.
... With that he traces a large eye at my 3rd eye, something that keeps happening, has happened before during my meditation times, and he inhales. A chunk of me there at my eye flies into him, and in his exhale, he pours in a blue light and utter dark blackness.
.....
At this point I'm calm again. I'm familiar with the blue light (I trust it), and I give a sigh, an "Oooh..." - like "I see now". Then he goes on about more to come this Saturday.
.....
Where I'm left with this???
PANICKED!!
So stupid of me.
I feel stupid stupid stupid.
I have these experiences, stuffs that a lot of people I meet would LOVE to have for themselves, are jonsing for these supposed signs of "good progress along the path" -- and what goes for me??? Panic??? PANIC?
![Huh? ???](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/huh.gif)
What the
![Huh? ???](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/huh.gif)
Why??? Here on this AYP, I know there are folks with greatly deepened practices, and I know I'm in good, balanced and healthy company writing here - just that, for Christ's sake - what the heck???
And I feel self-angry and impatient for myself for not having better physical hygiene, for not having already a regular exercise habit, a clean eating habit, a steady breathing habit... I feel self-angry for leaving all these little piles of bile and toxic stuffs wherever I go because these mini-explosions come up in me and I send outward rather than dissolve inward... I just feel PISSED OFF too, that _I_ am not the one having the real physical yabyum, that _I_ can't freaking keep soft and relaxed for an hour while something in me, or SOMEONE lobs evolution at me...
... Shoot. I am amped. [
![Sad :(](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/sad.gif)
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